Im wondering if my blog title sounds presumptuous. Oh well.

Im trying to figure out how school should fit into my life. Not dominate it, but fit in. Right now its dominating. There's just always so much to do and Im never quite sure how to prioritize. The search this semester will be "How to be a hard-working, busy, good-grades student to the glory of God." Any input will be joyfully considered.

My uncle and little cousin are in town from AZ. I like my family.

I have a lot of pride. Shocking. Its a pain cause its a sin that is easy and oh so tempting to forget about. Its a yummy comfy sin. Its greatest tactic is to get me to forget my need for Jesus. Its a sin that deceived me into thinking its a little more unforgivable than other sins. Because its the sin of not really feeling like Im that bad or that needy. So when Im being prideful, even when I realize it, I dont really feel that sorry. And thats pride on top of the pride. But repentance is rarely just feeling sorry. I need to be on my face every day repenting and asking for help to see my need. Not so I can have some weird pity party, but to get my eyes of me and onto Jesus. Not just cause I should but cause its the only way to be really happy! This is what we were made for folks. To know him.

So anyways... this is a song we sang in church by Joseph Hart. Pride has been my thing that I want to fix before I go to Him. What's yours?

Come ye sinners, poor and wretched,

Weak and wounded, sick and sore,

Full of pity joined with power,

He is able, He is able,

He is willing; doubt no more

Come ye weary, heavy laden

Bruised and broken by the fall

If you tarry til your better

You will never come at all.

Not the righteous, not the righteous

Sinners Jesus came to call

Let not conscience make you linger

Nor of fitness fondly dream

All the fitness He requireth

Is to feel your need of Him

This he gives you this he gives you

Tis the Spirits rising beam.

Lo! The incarnate God ascended

Pleads the merits of his blood

Venture on Him venture wholly

Let no other trust intrude

None but Jesus, none but Jesus

Can do helpless sinners good.

"But God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

my apologies for the emotionalism up to this point. thats all.

satisfaction

my paper is finished. yes.

True.

confession.

today it has once again been brought to my attention that my sole aim in life is to be perfect. not perfect even for perfections sake but perfect to gain recognition and the love admiration envy etc. of my family, friends, peers and so forth. and God. today its driving me crazy that i cant be perfect. that i cant win his admiration or know that his love is well-deserved. there is not alot that i suck at. i feel like throwing up and i know im being rather dramatic but bear with me. i do love my family and friends so much but look at me. not my picture or what i look like but look at me. look at who i am and my character. i think by the worlds standards its pretty great. but its not good enough. i want my desire to be to love God and to live for Him and some days i think that is my desire but that day is not today. i want to be glorious. i want everyone to think im amazing. i want everyone to be so bloody greatful that i exist and that i gave them a bit of my precious time to help save their life.

my heart wants to exalt me to a place where i can look God in the eye and say "i deserve to be with you based on my own merit."

by the skin of my teeth i strove and won and now i am worthy to stand in your presence.

oh damnable pride.

truly, my reward should be all the fires and torments of hell, for in my heart too is that black ambition that caused lucifer to turn on his Creator.

wasnt that poetic.

how can we brush this aside? how can we say that my treachery doesnt really matter and deep down im really good. i mean is ambition really all that bad? after all im reaching for the stars and beyond. ha. see even now as i write that is sarcasm my brain goes "wait...theres some truth in that" there is nothing good in me. i willfully deceive myself. i want to see myself in all my filth so that i can know what the love of Christ is. i cant stop deceiving myself. and i dont have the discretion to know when im doing it. and now im taking pride in how humble it was of me to write that. who will save me form this body of death? thanks be to God, thru Jesus Christ our lord.

dont pity me or give me any sympathy. if anyone could see the real me you would hate me. thats why the only true love is that of christ. everything else will fall away when we are exposed for what we are and the only love that will stand is that which loves without reason. i dont think theres any human love like that. if you tell me how nice i am and how im such a good little disciple i might have to punch you. sorry im mean.

i can see that im being overdramatic but the alternative is to be fake and turn a blind eye to whats going on and sing happy songs about love and the joy of the Lord- to preach peace when there is no peace. my body mind and soul are in some kind of crazed revolt. my spirit whispers have mercy on me a sinner. but even that seems to reek with pride.

im not asking for a solution. any solution would be spitting in the face of all that is holy. im waiting on the Lord.

did this worry you? let us not content ourselves with happy lies. can we take the truth at any cost? even if it destroys us?

blah.

thesearewords

melissa informed me that i should update my blog. so here i am writing with nothing to say (or so it seems). ah but things will spill out soon enough me thinks. ha. im such a nerd. i want to go on an adventure right now. i might go for a walk even tho its late. walks at night are the best. a little scary sometimes. buuut that is part of why its nice. in the new earth theres not going to be any night because christ will be our light and he will be there forever... im worried about missing the night time. but actually nevermind. God knows us and theres not going to be anything unfull about our lives. even if i did miss night... that would be stupid because we are with God for goodness sakes. it bothers me that any part of me says thats not enough. but its so enough and way more than enough. shakessspeare. my mom and sister are talking upstairs. alli talks so much. but thats not a complaint at all. sometimes i get worn out with it but i am so grateful that shes like that... its really pleasing to me... that was an odd way to say it. but i love that shes unafraid to just talk. theres nothing in her when shes around us (unless, and i sometimes do, we shut her down with our disinterest) that says "why should i bother them" or "what makes me think they would care about what i say" i love that she feels safe. shes delightful and she can relax in that. i hope she never changes there. listening to their voices makes me happy and peacefulish. i wish... i could play piano better. its getting chilly outside...and in my house. we like sweaters and hats and gloves but the heater is not yet allowed. im cold. its ok. blah blah blah. i want to know everyone i know. i want to know all they stories and how they feel about their lives and their dreams and fears. nosy??? i dont know. maybe. agh people are just so fascinating. and beautiful and let me love themmmmm wellll.

i want a hug. i wish i could physically feel God hug me. mmm. twould be so nice. but apparently theres a better thing going on with whats really happening. i bet we would die. im sure we would die. oh well. this hugless time will seem like nothing when we are in eternity. ah that sounds trite like a hallmark card or something. sooooooooo what. cold. and my hands are dry. haha if you are reading this-im sorry. shhhhh. rehearsal tomarrow! ah tonight was fun. we got stuff done in rehearsal and then i drew all over the mirrors with a dry erase marker while listening to friends play jazz on the piano and sing and laugh and play random games and it was just sooo nice and gooood and chill. lets do it again. but then i had to clean all the mirrors again. but it was worth it. oh! and before i go- i just want to say I REALLY WANT TO BE MULTILINGUAL. that was important. it was.

um hello.

this is a blog.

im starting it today because i got my wisdom teeth pulled out and i cant go to dance class but i dont feel crappy anymore and now i am bored.

im wierded out by how self conscious i feel about starting this. its just a blog. im just a person. whatever.

hahaaha.

lets talk about Jesus. i love him. the past couple weeks ive been enamoured with him because hes amazing and God and if we are going to be in awe of anything it ought to be Him. because what Hes done is mind boggling. but i just have not been feeling it the past couple days. why? i know im a sinner and my flesh gets in the way alot... but i kind of thought that i could be captivated by this forever. and i know i can be. im just a human and he is God. hes eternally more than me and its impossible for me to have my fill of him. what is wrong with me??? stupid. stupid stupid.

i need the holy spirit to change my heart. cause i dont want to get into a religious regimen of trying to make myself feel it. this is for real. what Gods done is huge. no duh. hmm. i dont feel like worrying about it. is that bad or ok?

i believe that he will complete the good work he started in me. part of me just feels peaceful. do i let it go? and wait on him?? i think my heart is saying yes.

do i force myself to realize how beautiful this all is?

but i do know how beautiful it is. i just dont feel super lovey and passionate right now. i just feel restful and content. why am i worrying? God is faithful. God is amazing. i cant do anything or realize anything on my own anyways. wait on the Lord oh my soul!!! i will wait for the Lord as a watchman waits for the morning.

im afraid of getting complacent and in a rut. but why? im always afraid of that. but Christ is in me. am i really so prideful that i think i can keep myself on track? without his grace id be gone in a second. so work in me Jesus! have your way with me! jeez i love him.

today i finally found the cord to hook up my camera to my computer. lemme see if i can figure this out...

there is a grasshopper

so cool

look how cool that is!!!!

yes

:)

i like them.