today it has once again been brought to my attention that my sole aim in life is to be perfect. not perfect even for perfections sake but perfect to gain recognition and the love admiration envy etc. of my family, friends, peers and so forth. and God. today its driving me crazy that i cant be perfect. that i cant win his admiration or know that his love is well-deserved. there is not alot that i suck at. i feel like throwing up and i know im being rather dramatic but bear with me. i do love my family and friends so much but look at me. not my picture or what i look like but look at me. look at who i am and my character. i think by the worlds standards its pretty great. but its not good enough. i want my desire to be to love God and to live for Him and some days i think that is my desire but that day is not today. i want to be glorious. i want everyone to think im amazing. i want everyone to be so bloody greatful that i exist and that i gave them a bit of my precious time to help save their life.
my heart wants to exalt me to a place where i can look God in the eye and say "i deserve to be with you based on my own merit."
by the skin of my teeth i strove and won and now i am worthy to stand in your presence.
oh damnable pride.
truly, my reward should be all the fires and torments of hell, for in my heart too is that black ambition that caused lucifer to turn on his Creator.
wasnt that poetic.
how can we brush this aside? how can we say that my treachery doesnt really matter and deep down im really good. i mean is ambition really all that bad? after all im reaching for the stars and beyond. ha. see even now as i write that is sarcasm my brain goes "wait...theres some truth in that" there is nothing good in me. i willfully deceive myself. i want to see myself in all my filth so that i can know what the love of Christ is. i cant stop deceiving myself. and i dont have the discretion to know when im doing it. and now im taking pride in how humble it was of me to write that. who will save me form this body of death? thanks be to God, thru Jesus Christ our lord.
dont pity me or give me any sympathy. if anyone could see the real me you would hate me. thats why the only true love is that of christ. everything else will fall away when we are exposed for what we are and the only love that will stand is that which loves without reason. i dont think theres any human love like that. if you tell me how nice i am and how im such a good little disciple i might have to punch you. sorry im mean.
i can see that im being overdramatic but the alternative is to be fake and turn a blind eye to whats going on and sing happy songs about love and the joy of the Lord- to preach peace when there is no peace. my body mind and soul are in some kind of crazed revolt. my spirit whispers have mercy on me a sinner. but even that seems to reek with pride.
im not asking for a solution. any solution would be spitting in the face of all that is holy. im waiting on the Lord.
did this worry you? let us not content ourselves with happy lies. can we take the truth at any cost? even if it destroys us?
blah.
No comments:
Post a Comment