True.

confession.

today it has once again been brought to my attention that my sole aim in life is to be perfect. not perfect even for perfections sake but perfect to gain recognition and the love admiration envy etc. of my family, friends, peers and so forth. and God. today its driving me crazy that i cant be perfect. that i cant win his admiration or know that his love is well-deserved. there is not alot that i suck at. i feel like throwing up and i know im being rather dramatic but bear with me. i do love my family and friends so much but look at me. not my picture or what i look like but look at me. look at who i am and my character. i think by the worlds standards its pretty great. but its not good enough. i want my desire to be to love God and to live for Him and some days i think that is my desire but that day is not today. i want to be glorious. i want everyone to think im amazing. i want everyone to be so bloody greatful that i exist and that i gave them a bit of my precious time to help save their life.

my heart wants to exalt me to a place where i can look God in the eye and say "i deserve to be with you based on my own merit."

by the skin of my teeth i strove and won and now i am worthy to stand in your presence.

oh damnable pride.

truly, my reward should be all the fires and torments of hell, for in my heart too is that black ambition that caused lucifer to turn on his Creator.

wasnt that poetic.

how can we brush this aside? how can we say that my treachery doesnt really matter and deep down im really good. i mean is ambition really all that bad? after all im reaching for the stars and beyond. ha. see even now as i write that is sarcasm my brain goes "wait...theres some truth in that" there is nothing good in me. i willfully deceive myself. i want to see myself in all my filth so that i can know what the love of Christ is. i cant stop deceiving myself. and i dont have the discretion to know when im doing it. and now im taking pride in how humble it was of me to write that. who will save me form this body of death? thanks be to God, thru Jesus Christ our lord.

dont pity me or give me any sympathy. if anyone could see the real me you would hate me. thats why the only true love is that of christ. everything else will fall away when we are exposed for what we are and the only love that will stand is that which loves without reason. i dont think theres any human love like that. if you tell me how nice i am and how im such a good little disciple i might have to punch you. sorry im mean.

i can see that im being overdramatic but the alternative is to be fake and turn a blind eye to whats going on and sing happy songs about love and the joy of the Lord- to preach peace when there is no peace. my body mind and soul are in some kind of crazed revolt. my spirit whispers have mercy on me a sinner. but even that seems to reek with pride.

im not asking for a solution. any solution would be spitting in the face of all that is holy. im waiting on the Lord.

did this worry you? let us not content ourselves with happy lies. can we take the truth at any cost? even if it destroys us?

blah.

thesearewords

melissa informed me that i should update my blog. so here i am writing with nothing to say (or so it seems). ah but things will spill out soon enough me thinks. ha. im such a nerd. i want to go on an adventure right now. i might go for a walk even tho its late. walks at night are the best. a little scary sometimes. buuut that is part of why its nice. in the new earth theres not going to be any night because christ will be our light and he will be there forever... im worried about missing the night time. but actually nevermind. God knows us and theres not going to be anything unfull about our lives. even if i did miss night... that would be stupid because we are with God for goodness sakes. it bothers me that any part of me says thats not enough. but its so enough and way more than enough. shakessspeare. my mom and sister are talking upstairs. alli talks so much. but thats not a complaint at all. sometimes i get worn out with it but i am so grateful that shes like that... its really pleasing to me... that was an odd way to say it. but i love that shes unafraid to just talk. theres nothing in her when shes around us (unless, and i sometimes do, we shut her down with our disinterest) that says "why should i bother them" or "what makes me think they would care about what i say" i love that she feels safe. shes delightful and she can relax in that. i hope she never changes there. listening to their voices makes me happy and peacefulish. i wish... i could play piano better. its getting chilly outside...and in my house. we like sweaters and hats and gloves but the heater is not yet allowed. im cold. its ok. blah blah blah. i want to know everyone i know. i want to know all they stories and how they feel about their lives and their dreams and fears. nosy??? i dont know. maybe. agh people are just so fascinating. and beautiful and let me love themmmmm wellll.

i want a hug. i wish i could physically feel God hug me. mmm. twould be so nice. but apparently theres a better thing going on with whats really happening. i bet we would die. im sure we would die. oh well. this hugless time will seem like nothing when we are in eternity. ah that sounds trite like a hallmark card or something. sooooooooo what. cold. and my hands are dry. haha if you are reading this-im sorry. shhhhh. rehearsal tomarrow! ah tonight was fun. we got stuff done in rehearsal and then i drew all over the mirrors with a dry erase marker while listening to friends play jazz on the piano and sing and laugh and play random games and it was just sooo nice and gooood and chill. lets do it again. but then i had to clean all the mirrors again. but it was worth it. oh! and before i go- i just want to say I REALLY WANT TO BE MULTILINGUAL. that was important. it was.